-Source-Chicago Tribune-
1) If you don’t vote, your chances of being eaten by a bear increase 12,000 percent. That’s just a basic biological fact. The bodies of people who don’t vote are incapable of producing the hormone grrrrristol, a natural bear repellent. Vote, or a bear will probably kill you.
2) If you vote, I will come to your house and mow your lawn every weekend next summer. This will include weed whacking and intricate hedge sculpting. I can transform your boxwoods into any Star Wars character, including three versions of Han Solo: traditional Han Solo; Han Solo in Hoth (the ice planet) gear; and Han Solo frozen in carbonite.
3) Researchers at the Mayo Clinic found that people who don’t vote suffer from extreme and potentially fatal flatulence. You don’t want to die of extreme flatulence, do you?
4) If you take your “I Voted” sticker to any bank, the teller is constitutionally required to give you $500. That’s Civics 101. Google it.
5) Ghosts tend to avoid people who vote. (Vampires as well.)
6) Voting is the only way to come into possession of J.R.R. Tolkien’s mythical One Ring, which will give you dominion over the free peoples of the Midwest (referred to in his books as “Middle Earth”). As it says in “The Fellowship of the Ring,” on Page 2,356: “One vote to rule them all, one vote to find them, if you don’t vote you will literally be cast into the fires of Mount Doom. And that’s gonna suck. Just ask Gollum.” Your choice is clear.
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